Trying on Forgiveness

In response to the apology
she never graced me with:

How dare you,
how dare you show remorse,
regret,
when at one point
hurting me
was all you thought about?

How could you stand there,
watching me beaming
like a chandelier with a second chance
to dazzle in a different foyer,
and not see
that he was shining the light
that bounced from my skin?

How was it
when you kissed him
and tasted my lips there,
previously having claimed that landscape for my own,
determined to lock you out
but not reaching the deadbolt
in time?

If she asked me for forgiveness
I’d choke on the memories
she forces me to drown in each morning
and spit out my tongue
because the taste of it still reminds me of him.
I’d tell her how completely she killed me,
how I can’t look in mirrors anymore
without seeing ghosts and hollow eyes,
the shell of a person who was once almost whole again.
I would tell her
you meant more to me
than she would have ever realized;
you were the sun,
the moon and all her stars
and I was the blackness that surrounded you,
happy because being beside your light
detracted from my darkness
and I was content being background noise
to a beautiful solar system.

I’d ask her
if she had known
that you were the only strings holding me up
would she have still been so willing
to bring the scissors?