Tag Archives: life

The Worst Part

The worst part
of being cheated on
is knowing that even for just a few moments
you weren’t enough
to make him want to stay.

My consolation prize is knowing that neither was she

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Trying on Forgiveness

In response to the apology
she never graced me with:

How dare you,
how dare you show remorse,
regret,
when at one point
hurting me
was all you thought about?

How could you stand there,
watching me beaming
like a chandelier with a second chance
to dazzle in a different foyer,
and not see
that he was shining the light
that bounced from my skin?

How was it
when you kissed him
and tasted my lips there,
previously having claimed that landscape for my own,
determined to lock you out
but not reaching the deadbolt
in time?

If she asked me for forgiveness
I’d choke on the memories
she forces me to drown in each morning
and spit out my tongue
because the taste of it still reminds me of him.
I’d tell her how completely she killed me,
how I can’t look in mirrors anymore
without seeing ghosts and hollow eyes,
the shell of a person who was once almost whole again.
I would tell her
you meant more to me
than she would have ever realized;
you were the sun,
the moon and all her stars
and I was the blackness that surrounded you,
happy because being beside your light
detracted from my darkness
and I was content being background noise
to a beautiful solar system.

I’d ask her
if she had known
that you were the only strings holding me up
would she have still been so willing
to bring the scissors?

Relearning how to Breathe

The act of writing
has always calmed me:
I spit out poetry like wildfire
and sometimes
it’s all I need to douse the flames.
The art of curving letters,
manipulating the alphabet
to create new worlds
has always been
my favourite bandage.

So for me, being speechless
equates with numbness,
a reality where the words in my mind
and on my tongue
don’t reach my fingertips
and never grace pages;
it is my own personal ninth circle,
where the demons
are the dark, twisted stories
trying to snake their way
into poisoning my parchment.

I can’t breathe
without the right words
to describe how the sweet mountain air tastes
when paired with the bitterness of a fresh betrayal.
And I can’t speak
because for once
I have no words
to fix this.

being silent 

Stage 2: Anger

I can’t stop writing about you
because it’s the only way I know how
to come to terms with
the anger
the grief
the ache
the absence
the confusion
the misery
the regret.
None of this feels real
and you don’t really feel gone –
it’s a cliché that happens in novels and on sitcoms
but young men don’t die
in the real world
or at least they never used to,
not to me.
It wasn’t real
when the news shook my core
and broke the ground I used to walk on;
it wasn’t real
when people told me they were sorry for my loss
because I didn’t feel like I had lost you yet;
it wasn’t real
when I said goodbye to your ashes
and I kept reminding myself it wasn’t you;

it was real at 1 a.m.
when I screamed at you in my head,
when the anger broke over me
like a tidal wave
and I wanted to slap and hug you
and demand to know
why you did it
and how you could have been so
careless
reckless
stupid.

Anger is understandable
they tell me

but they don’t mention the guilt.

– the five stages of grief