An Honest Rendition of What Crushes are Really Like – Monologue

Oh my God was that my phone was that a text did he text me oh my God I can’t believe it he texted me he texted me he- Oh. Oh that was just an e-mail promoting the new sale at American Eagle.

Right. I knew that.

How long has it been since he texted me? How long has it been since I texted him? Should I re-text him? No, that’ll just look desperate. Wait, will it?

Maybe I can accidentally-on-purpose send him a pocket text. Yeah, that might work! Just a simple “slkfhdkshfw” to get the conversation rolling again. Okay, send.

OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE, HE’S SO GOING TO KNOW THAT WAS ON PURPOSE, OH GO OH GOD OH-

Oh sweet jESUS BALLS HE REPLIED.

“Lol”? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! Does he mean I’m funny? Has he seen my pocket text already? Should I just send back a smiley or something even shorter so he doesn’t think I care too much about the fact his reply BROKE MY EFFIN’ HEART OR…

I think I need to calm down a bit.

I should make some tea or something. I wonder what kind of tea he likes? Maybe he prefers coffee? No, what am I doing! Stop this! I forbid myself to think about him again for the rest of the night.

Okay, I’ll just put the kettle on and wait here and deliberately not think about him. No, not “deliberately”, it’ll just happen. Like here I am, so not thinking about him right now.

I wonder what he’s up to.

Fuck it, this is useless. I’ll just turn off my phone.There. Now what? Oh, there’s the kettle. Okay, so I’ll just sit here and enjoy my tea in silence while checking my newsfeed…

Wait, I can’t check my newsfeed if my phone is off. I should turn it back on-

OH GOD HE TEXTED ME OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD.

I wonder if I should wait a while before replying? But then he might get bored and forget he was messaging me. I’ll just quickly send him back a nice, short reply. Done. Oh shoot, I should probably add this… and this… I can just keep sending texts if it’s relevant, right? No, probably bad idea. I’ll limit myself to one more.

Okay, maybe one more.

That’s it. Done. I’m going to just go on Facebook now. Totally ignore him for like five minutes or something. Hmm… I wonder if his profile has changed in the past half-hour since I last checked? Nope, not much difference her- WAIT A GOSH DARNED SECOND. WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT GIRL THINK SHE IS, LIKING HIS PICTURES LIKE A COMMON STREET WHORE!?!

Oh wait, I think that’s his sister actually.

Oh my gOD I GOT ANOTHER TEXT.

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