Has your girlfriend cheated on you?
Has your ex-fiance just announced his new engagement?
Have you been pounding walls and burning photos and seeking solace at the bottom of bottle, pill jars and Ben & Jerry’s tubs?
Well, we have a solution!
Here at the Recycled Shop for Broken Hearts, we take your old, unwanted, battered and, frankly, downright unloveable broken heart and we turn it into something brand new and beautiful! Just send us your shattered, stomped, squished, snapped, smashed, splintered, slaughtered heart, free shipping and handling of course!
Here’s how it works: we take the pieces of your heart and lay them out side by side and we start taking away the pieces you will never be able to use again. Say goodbye to the memory of his thumbprint on the hollow of your neck! Adios to the way she used to sing your name! Farewell to sleepless nights where you pulled each other closer, firmly believing that this was what your life is going to be like!
Next, we unravel your heartstrings. Your heartstrings which once acted like puppet strings, pulling you toward his laughter, her smile. Say au revior to all that nonsense, because we snip them away, one by one, leaving you with only a vague memory of what it felt like to be desired.
We hollow your heart completely, erasing it of emotions and memories and tear-filled nights and the recollection of waiting for telephone calls and text messages and emails that never came. We empty it of songs that used to remind you of the person you once called “soulmate”. We scrape away the pain and leave only the shell.
And then, once your heart has been properly emptied, we send it back to you for the low, low fee of only $19.99!
What are you waiting for? Call now! 1-555-BRK-NHRT
WARNING: side effects include never being able to fall in love again.