Hello people of the internet. If you’re like me and spend more time eating pizza and listening to ambient music while reading novels no one else has heard about than you do going after members of the opposite (or same) sex, then this is the post for you!
Now I’m sure you’re probably wondering what qualifies me to be giving this advice considering everything I’ve just listed. Well don’t worry, I watch a lot of Friends on Netflix. (Just kidding, I’ve actually asked out a few people and I’ve gotten some positive results. But yeah, watching Friends helps too.)
Step 1: Ensure that the object of your affection is, in fact, human. For example, you do not want to be accidentally stuck going on a date with a frog, even if he tells you he’s a prince (seriously though, who falls for that???). Please note that this step can be ignored if this person is a sexy alien, such as in the case of Star-Lord and Zamora.
Step 2: Start to show signs of affection around your human/ alien. Some signs of affection include but are not limited to touching their arm, laughing when you’re with them, bringing them food (this one is a must) and making lots of eye contact.
Step three: Start dropping subtle yet not-at-all subtle hints that you want to go to certain places. I.E. “Oh wow, I wish someone would take me skating!” or “I can’t believe there’s a mass burial going on this weekend and I’m going to miss it!” or you know, whatever suits your fancy.
Step 4: If your human still isn’t getting the picture, start complimenting them. Some examples of compliments you can use include, “You’re so smart!” or “I like your tail” (NOTE: the tail thing only works if you’re with an alien).
Step 5: Disregard steps 1 – 4 because I was being a sarcastic asshole when I wrote them. I promise to be more serious from now on (maybe).
Step 6: Write “GO OUT WITH ME” on a brick and throw it at your crush’s face. Except don’t because you may kill them. Just use a rock or something.
Step 7: Give up and accept the fact you’ll die alone. Buy yourself a pizza, champ.