An Honest Recollection

[Based on an unfortunate true story.]

I never told you this but I cried that night.

I cried the night you kissed me for the first time because of so many reasons. I like to tell myself that I cried because I had never been happier in my entire life. In reality, I think I was crying because the words “expiration date” screamed in the back of my head.

You never wanted me. Not like that.

Maybe you told yourself that you did. Maybe you pretended that you could ignore the plea of others begging you to please, stay away from that girl over there. Maybe you lied to yourself the same way I lied to myself when I said it was possible.

On the day you left me forever, I think you were already gone. And I don’t know what hurts me more: the fact I never said goodbye or the fact that neither did you.

I’ve thrown away everything that reminded me of you. I’ve torn photographs and burned poems. I’ve deleted you from my life like a typo, only one that took up an entire chapter in my story.

I never should have let you read my life so openly.

I never told you this, but I cried that night.

I cried the night I told you I loved you. Not because of the silence on the other end of the phone, but because I knew what that silence meant. It didn’t mean, “I don’t love you back”; it meant, “I’m sorry”.

You can’t be sorry to see me bleed when you were the one who cut me, can you?

And when you see her, I imagine that you look at her the same way I once looked at you. Only without the pain, because she looks at you the same way.

I tell myself I hate you every single goddamn day. I tell myself “Get over it” because there’s nothing else for me to do. But bandaids don’t fix broken hearts and it’s too hard sometimes to pretend otherwise.

I tried to erase you from my memories. Do you know how much a hypnotist costs? I do, because I’ve tried everything. Yeah, I really am that desperate.

I never told you this, but I cried tonight.

I cried as the words flowed from me like water. I cried when I realized you’d never read this. I cried when I realized I wasn’t writing this for you, but for myself.

I never told you this, but on the day you disappeared from my life forever, there wasn’t a single moment I stopped crying.

I never told you this, but I think I’ve wasted too many tears over you.

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