What TV Shows Lied To Me About

I grew up believing that wishing on a star would automatically get me a free consultation with a cricket and a blue fairy. Imagine my surprise when I realized that crickets not only couldn’t talk, but couldn’t grant my wishes either. So here’s a list of unrealistic expectations movies and TV shows have given me.

1. Long hair doesn’t mean majestic hair.
Pocahontas, you don’t even have a fucking comb. How is your hair always perfect? And wait… why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard if he has super long dreads? I can’t believe Ariel spent sixteen years in salt water without managing to destroy her hair completely.

2. I thought I’d have to encounter a lot more danger.
Where’s all the crocodile pits and quicksand and booby traps I’ve heard so much about? I’m also thoroughly disappointed by the lack of people trying to kill me and take over the world. Kim Possible prepared me for Dr. Dracan, not algebra.

3. Life problems are more complicated.
How come all my problems aren’t solved within a 20 minute period that begins with a conflict, peaks at a climax and ends with a solution? Oh yeah, because life doesn’t work like that.

4. People don’t have catchphrases.
“Later days” is probably the greatest way to say bye EVER, and yet no one uses it.

5. Breaking the third wall isn’t a thing in real life.
Will Smith totally mislead me to believe I was being followed around by a camera that I could turn to and talk to. Zach Morris taught me that I could even say, “Time out!” when I needed a break from life… It doesn’t work, and I don’t recommend that you try yelling that during an exam.

6. Parental guidance is a myth.
My dad never sat me down like Mr. Matthews sat down Cory to give him a big long talk about humanity and life and dating and school. My dad bought me comic books and asked how my day went. Furthermore, can we talk about the fact I was totally expecting my grade four teacher to be Mr. Feeney?

7. Dating isn’t a thing until puberty.
Sorry Lizzie MacGuire, but there’s no way you should expect me to believe you kissed a boy before you even got boobs. And “dating” doesn’t happen until you don’t have to be dropped off at “dates” by your parents.

8. Why hasn’t real life technology caught up with television technology?
I want a Kimmunicator. I want a Jet-X (Zoey 101 incase you didn’t get the reference). I want all those gadgets given to Sam, Clover and Alex on Totally Spies! Why haven’t these things been invented?

9. Pixie dust makes you high, not fly.
Say no to drugs, kids.

10. Hogwarts DOES exist, but won’t accept you because they’re scared you’ll take over.


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