Dear Asshole



Dear Asshole,

This is a breakup text you sent to your ex-girlfriend that recently made the front pages of social media.

First of all, who the hell breaks up over text? What are you, twelve?

I wish I had been the unfortunate soul to date your sorry butt so I could have come up with a reply so snappy that it snapped your neck in two, but since I didn’t, I guess I’ll just rant about it here.

1. Sorry social media doesn’t consume my life. If I don’t “change my relationship status”, it means I’m either too proud of the fact I don’t let something trivial like the internet and my Facebook “friends” control my life, or that I thought it was stupid that you asked me so you could brag about you dating me to all your loser friends, so I refused.

2. Jesus Christ, it’s one stupid wedding. The only time you’d NEED to be there is if you’re the groom, and thank God that’s not happening. Ever.

3. I’m allergic to cats. (Sure this doesn’t apply to the girl he wrote this too maybe, but it’s actually happened to me in the past where I TELL guys how badly allergic to cats I am and then they insist on me meeting some stupid cat anyway. Cats are still cute… from far, far away. This also applies if the cat was a dick to this girl).

4. Do you DESERVE priority? No. I don’t need you in my life the way I need other, more important things, like my friends and family and job and school. You’re just a blip on my radar kiddo, and I’m glad you’re finally off of it.

5. Fuck off. I will say whatever the fuck I fucking want to. If it’s fucking unladylike, then fucking get another fucking cat to fucking fuck.

6. How in the actual hell is that any of your business? I can understand why it would be a bit weird if someone wouldn’t tell you about their sexual past (STI’s are a real thing everyone!) but JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS SLEPT WITH MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE DOESN’T MEAN JACK-SHIT ANYTHING. You’re probably just jealous because the only way you could ever get laid is if you crawled into a chicken’s uterus and waited.

It kills me that there are people out there like this is the world. I thought this was written by a girl at first, which made me feel incredibly sorry that I was born into this gender. If a boy ever said anything along those lines to me, I’d just snap and lose all faith in the human race.

Before you decide to break up with someone via text, next time just don’t.

One thought on “Dear Asshole”

  1. “…the only way you could ever get laid is if you crawled into a chicken’s uterus and waited.”

    This line is just beautiful.

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